


Where be my Lady Lumps!?

by BrimstoneTaco



Category: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: A little sexual harassment, F/F, F/M, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, more tags added as we go, silly nicknames
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:13:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23107525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrimstoneTaco/pseuds/BrimstoneTaco
Summary: Link's soul decides to nope out on this round of Ganon v Hero. Some other poor soul gets to be in Link's body. What hilarious antics may happen?
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18





	1. Of Magic Ipads and Gobbicorns

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fan fic I have have written in a while. I hope you all enjoy this silly story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a revised version.  
> Thanks to LordofTheFelines and Rayen_King for beta reading this!

Nothing, suspended weightlessly. The world around was hazy and dark. How long I was there I do not know. Suddenly it is ripped away as a bright light assaults my senses, a voice calling to someone named Link. After the light feeling began to return, fingers and toes, hands and feet, arms and legs. My eyes fluttered open to the sight of a strange device above me and the feeling of water draining away from around my body. This was not my bed. This was not my room? Sitting up felt odd and off balance, looking down at my body...a vastly unfamiliar body. Toned muscles, shoulder length blond hair, a flat chest… Wait what?!

“Where the hell are my boobs!!?”

Frantically I examined the rest of me, no boobs, very muscled, and something new down there. My breath quickened. ‘What the hell? What the Hell? WHAT THE HELL?!’ Putting my head in my hands I tried to remember how the hell I got here. Much to my distress there was nothing concrete. Now close to hyperventilating, I struggled to calm myself. Freaking out would get me nowhere. After several minutes of deep breathing, I calmed down enough to take stock of my predicament. 

I was now in the body of a male and very confused. I examined my new body, it was that of a warrior or athlete judging by the toned form.I tore my focus away and finally took in my surroundings. There were glowing constellations on the walls and a glowing pedestal in one of the corners.

“ _ Link...this is a Sheikah Slate… it will help guide you after your long slumber. _ ” 

I let out a startled squeal as the disembodied voice rang out. Looking around the room there were no visible speakers. Not that this seemed to be the kind of tech I was used to…

Finally getting out the ‘bed’ thing, I walked over to the pedestal. The Sheikah Slate popped up as I drew near. It had a giant eye on it. Thus I dubbed it an Ipad. ‘Wait, Why am I listening to a disembodied voice? Because, my common sense says, there is no way out of this room.’ I hesitantly take the IPad and holy cow the wall opens up! Guess there is my way out. 

After sneezing at all the dust that the door kicked up, I slowly venture into the next room. There is a thick layer of dust on everything. It was dim but looked safe enough, just a lot of crates, chests and barrels. I blushed a bit as I looked out at my state of undress. Hopefully there would be something to wear… I did find some threadbare clothes in the chests. With the pants was what seemed to be a carrying belt for the IPad. The shirt fell apart when I tried to put it on, so I just shoved it in my magic ipad. The other crates and barrels yielded nothing but more dust for me to sneeze at. Venturing further into the room, there was another glowing pedestal. ‘I am sensing a pattern here…’

“ _ Hold the Sheikah Slate up to the pedestal. It will show you the way, _ ” the disembodied voice instructed. 

I did as instructed since that got me out of the last room. Finally! There was some sunlight! Just what is this place? I woke up sleeping in a bathtub and now I have a magic Ipad…and a new body…   
Shading my eyes from the bright light that disembodied voice spoke for the third time.  _ “Link...you are the light - our light - that must shine on Hyrule once again...now go.” _

Okay so my name is Link and this place is called Hyrule? I walked into the next room as the light faded enough for me to see. There was a puddle and a short rock face that I would have to climb to get out of there. I jumped over the puddle and looked up at the rock face. Figuring out just what was going on could wait until I was outside. Having never been so well muscled before, it was quite a surprise at the ease I climbed up the rock face. 

Walking out into the sun, the warm sun on my skin after the chilly underground area felt great. My walk turned into a jog as I got closer to the edge of the cliff. Turned out this thing was built up on the side of a mountain. I stopped out on the edge of the cliff and gazed in awe at the vast landscape below me. A forested plateau was just below me, a large grassy plain below that. There were mountains on all sides of that plain. Was that an active volcano in the distance? 

I noted the large castle-like building on the plain, when I turned to my right I saw a ruined church. I wonder what god it was dedicated to? Good old Christain god? The god of nature? The god of cheese? Or was it a polytheistic religion? In all my wondering, I failed to notice the man farther down the hill. 

I turned back around to look at the area much closer to me. Trees, grass, rocks, mushrooms, and sticks. I picked up one of the plentifull sticks and then wacked it on a tree. The stick promptly broke. Signing I sat against the tree to assess my predicament.

I tried to remember something from before I got here. Much to my frustration there were only a few things. 1. I had boobs before. 2. I was used to different tech. 

Seeing as I could remember so little I decide to list what I did know and what I didn’t know

Things I do know:

  1. That voice kept calling me Link.
  2. This is not my original body, I was in a female body and now am male and a well muscled one at that.
  3. This area is called Hyrule.
  4. There are likely not many people nearby as all I could see was ruins.



Things I don’t know:

  1. How did I get here?
  2. Why am I here?
  3. Who that voice belonged to?
  4. What is the place I woke up called?



After coming up with those mental lists, I pulled out IPad. Just what can this do? I played around with it some and found it really was magic. It could store stuff in it. Deciding to test that out, I grabbed a few sticks and all the edible things I could find.

It held all of it! Though the sticks for some reason were counted as a weapon. 

I finally noticed the road leading down the mountain. Walking towards it, I saw an old man! ‘A person! A real live person!’ 

I raced down the road, hopefully this old man could answer some of my questions! For a brief second, I marveled at not being out of breath by the sprint down the hill. When I reached the old man, he chuckled and commented, “It is odd to see another soul in these parts.”

“What… what is this place?” I asked quickly, cringing at the sound of my new voice.   
  
The old man looked out at the expanse and answered, “This is the Great Plateau. Legend says it is the birthplace of the Kingdom of Hyrule.”

Okay so Hyrule is a kingdom, good to know.    
The old man then got up and pointed his lantern-staff at the ruined church, “That place used to be the site of many sacred ceremonies, but ever since the decline of the kingdom 100 years ago it has sat in ruin.”

“What god or goddess did they worship?” I asked, once again wincing at the sound of my voice.    
“The Goddess Hylia,” The old man replied as he sat back down.    
He went back to watching his campfire. Seeing as he seemed to be done talking with me, I looked around and noticed an apple tree. Food! That is not mushrooms! I don’t like mushrooms… Using my new found agility I climbed the tree and claimed the apples. Once I got down, I noticed the old man had roasted some apples by his fire. I placed one of my apples on a stick and sqwhated down to roast it like a marshmallow. The old man ignored me as I cooked my snack. After a while, it was done. I blew on the roast apple to cool it off and then took a bite. Hmmm~ Yummy! I made sure to enjoy the apple, Hylia only knew when I would get good food again. When I was done, I sneakily tried to take the old man’s roast apple. 

“Excuse me, that is mine!” He snapped at me. 

I instinctually flinched as he laughed again. “I am just joking, you can have it.”

Taking the roast apple, I shoved it inside the Ipad before he could change his mind. Standing up, I decide to head out. I saw an axe a little ways down the road. I could feel the old man watching me as I made my way towards it. 

Looking back at him, I asked, “Can I have this axe please?”    
The old man nods and I take the axe. A little further down was a small group of trees, one of which was another apple tree. I made quick work of the apple tree and searched the others for anything edible. I found a bird's nest with some eggs and some nuts at the base of a tree. As I was putting the nuts in the IPad, I heard rustling and grunting in the bushes near me. I looked that way as a red pig goblin thing came out. I screamed and scrambled up the tree. It made an angry noise and swiped at me as I scrambled up the tree. 

‘What the HELL is that THING??? Clearly this world is not all rainbows and sunshine…’ The weapon I had on me was the axe. A plan formullied itself in my head. The axe and gravity should be able to kill this thing? Whoa why was I going straight to killing it? It doesn’t seem friendly but….   
The thing head butted the tree shaking it and nearly causing me to fall out. ‘Okay this world is kill or be killed as a talking butter cup once said…’

I gripped the axe and lifted it above my head as I jumped off the tree and brought it down on the creature. I winced as the axe buried itself into the creature. It died with a sickening squeal. Grimacing I looked down the road and saw several more in the area ahead. 

‘Great, just great…’ 

I headed farther down the road only to be accosted by a freaking slime with big old googly eyes. I made quick work of it with the axe, it seemed my body was working from muscle memory. 

‘Was this person originally a warrior?’ I pondered those questions as I made my way up to the church of Hylia. In the process, I killed a few more of these red pig goblins… They poofed into purple smoke after I killed them leaving behind their horns or other body parts. 

‘Ew...just ew…’

But I stashed the monster parts in my magic Ipad anyway. Who knows if monster parts would be useful or not. I would hoard any and everything I can stick in this magic Ipad. There was the ruin of this big robot looking thing, I found a few loose screws I could nab from it. There were more of the dead octopus toasters scattered about the ruins of the church and the out buildings along the path up to the church. 

It took me rather a long time to make my way up there between my resource gathering and unicorn pig goblins. I even managed to procure a better pair of pants that were not falling apart! I don’t think I was ever so happy to get new clothes before.

Brandishing one of the clubs I got from the demon unicorn pigs, I looked up at the ruined church. It was truly in bad shape with most of one all missing and parts of the roof. Once inside, I gazed up at the vaulted ceiling. ‘It was really a shame, this place must have been truly lovely at one time.’

I slowly approached the large statue of what must be Hylia. It felt like a good idea to pray, so I knelt down. “Dear Hylia, please help me figure out what the hell I have gotten myself into,” I prayed softly, this voice still uncomfortable as all hell.

Of course there was no response, but the statue did seem to smile down at me. With a sigh I got up. Time to see what resources I could get here. ‘Hylia please forgive me for raiding your already ruined temple.’

After opening a chest and smashing some pots, I was now the proud owner of a bow and arrows! Now, I could go hunting! I looked up at the sky when I got back outside, it was afternoon judging by the location of the sun…. 

‘Wow this had really been a crazy day and it was only afternoon?’ I shook my head and made my way back down to the road.

Once on the road, I pulled out my Ipad. Guess I should check out what the glowing icon leads too, the disembodied voice did say this would lead the way…. Several unicorn goblins and googly slimes later I reached the location of the glowing dot on the not visible map. Of course, there was one of those gobby-i-corns in front of it. It had a proper sword and shield too! I wanted the proper sword! I wacked the gobbicorn to smoke with my club and procured it! Yay!    
I finally approached the thing the map has led me too. It was another one of the pedestals with a platform that was half buried in rock. The pedestal looked like one that I got the magic Ipad from in the first place. I pulled out my Ipad and set it on the pedestal. Then all hell broke loose as the thing broke through the rock and shot up into the sky! I fell on my ass and about had a heart attack from the damn thing! Once it was done growing I was finally able to stand up.

The thing above the pedestal began to glow with weird symbols then a drop of blue kool aid that fell from it on to my magic Ipad. The Ipad lit up with a proper map. I shakily made my way over to it as it presented me with my Ipad. From this tower I had a great view of the castle in this distance, the red fog around it formed into a terrifying creature that made a hordenous roar. It then dissipated as bright light shone from the castle. I think the disembodied voice tried to say something to me, but I couldn’t hear it because of my terror of that thing… I had a horrible feeling I was supposed to defeat that thing…


	2. A Crazy Old Man and A Raisan Monk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thank you to LordofTheFelines and Rayen_King for beta reading this!

‘How the hell am I going to get down from here?’ I thought as I peeked over the edge of the map tower. 

The sheer drop encouraged me to scoot away from the edge and looked around the platform. There was a hole in it that must be the way down. I peered down the opening in the platform. There was another smaller platform below and a latticework that looked like I could use it to climb down.

Once down on that smaller platform came the more nerve-racking part, getting to the next platform. I tested the latticework and it seems sturdy enough to hold me. Taking a deep breath, I climbed to the next platform carefully. Once over it, I dropped down on it. Now there were five or so left until I was on the ground. It was painfully slow going, but I made it safely to the ground.

Then that old man came sailing down out of nowhere on some kind of glider!

“My, my...It would seem we have quite an enigma here.” He said upon landing, as he pulled his lantern staff out of thin air as he looked up at the map tower.

“This tower and others like it have erupted out of the earth across the land. It is almost like a long-dormant power has awakened suddenly.” The old man said as he turned his gaze to the vast plain below the plateau, another tower visible in the distance. 

‘Interesting, there are others? I guess I have to go find those to get the rest of the map.’ I mused, following his gaze.

“If you do not mind me asking...did anything odd occur while you were up there?” He asked, turning his attention back to me.

I shook my head. Sharing my thoughts on the demon mist creature at the castle was the last thing I wanted to do.

“You need not hide the truth from me, I saw the whole thing from afar! Do you happen to know that mysterious voice?” He said chuckling.

The old man was really getting annoying. If he saw it then why the hell did he ask about it? And how the hell I was supposed to know who that disembodied voice belonged to!? I glared at the old man.

“It seems I have some work to do as far as earning your trust. I suppose that is understandable. I assume you caught sight of that atrocity enshrouding the castle. That is Calamity Ganon. It brought this kingdom to ruin a hundred years ago.” He stated as he pointed his staff toward the castle, “It appeared suddenly and destroyed everything in its path, so many innocent lives were lost in its wake. It has been holed in Hyrule Castle for a century now, but it festers. It is building up strength to unleash it’s blight once again. It would seem that time is fast approaching...” 

The old man turned to look at me, “I must ask you, do you intend to make your way to the castle?”   
The look I gave him, as if he was insane. Shaking my head no, I crossed my arms in an x for good measure. There was no way in hell that I was getting near that thing!

“You need not say a word, your eyes reveal the determination within!”

‘The old man has to be insane,’ I thought.

“Here on this isolated plateau, we are surrounded by cliffs with no way down. Jumping would only lead to death. Of course, if you had a paraglider like mine, you would not die.”   
I pointed to the paraglider on the ground and made a ‘give me’ gesture.

“Oho! Certainly! But there is no such thing as a free item in this world! Let’s see now…” The old man looks at an odd glowing structure that is a ways away. “How about I trade it for a bit of treasure that slumbers in that structure over there~”

‘Okay, so we have a crazy old man wanting treasure. Seems legit. As long as I can get the hell away from him.’

With a thumbs up to the old man and I made my way to the orange glowing structure. Of course, there was a glowing pedestal like the ones. I placed my magic Ipad on it like a magic keycard. The color of the glowing bits turned blue and the door opened. 

‘This magic Ipad is the key to everything…’

Inside was a glowing circle with another eye on it. When I stepped on it, the circle shuddered and started to move downward. It was an elevator! As it began to enter a large subterranean chamber, there was a blue forcefield to prevent one from falling off the moving platform. It was the same grey and tan materials as the place I woke up in. This strange style was so very different from the ruins of that church.

I noted the pedestal in the left-hand corner but decided to study the designs on the walls. They looked like constellations, likely they were just for decoration as there had been some in the other place. The ‘star’ parts were orange like the unactivated building. I turned to the pedestal. It was time to get that ‘treasure’ the old man spoke of. The pedestal was similar to the one up in the map tower, it must have some kind of information to distill into data Koolaid. 

I set my Ipad into it. Runes began sliding down the pointed rock thing above my magic Ipad as the tip glowed brighter with each passing second. I ideally wondered what the data Koolaid would taste like. It was bright blue so maybe blue raspberry? 

The data kool aid finally finished distilling and the screen of my magic Ipad lit up. The rune Magensis? I took the proffered Ipad and activated the rune. The world suddenly had a kind of red overlay! Holding out the iPad I aimed it at the metal slabs in the middle of the room. I pressed one of the buttons of the side of the ipad and activated the magnetic rune. The metal slab lifted up effortlessly with the use of the Magnesis rune. Grinning, I put away my ipad. The magic Ipad was pretty darn cool. Only downside was that it didn’t have any games on it. 

Peering down into the now opened hole, I saw a stream of water and a walkway beside it. Down the tunnel and up a slope to the right was another big room. Once in the room my way was blocked by a stack of large square blocks. Only one of the blocks was metal. Using the new rune on my Ipad, I carefully pulled out the metal block and then hopped up on it to see what was on the other side. There was a mini version of the ruined octopus toasters outside. It saw me and started to charge up some kind of beam. I ducked down, ‘okay mini  _ death _ toaster then.’ It shot at me again, checking the weapons I had…..short sword, two clubs, an axe and a tree branch…..The short sword would have to do along with the crappy shield I got from that unicorn goblin.

All I had to do was run up and smack the thing a few times and it exploded…Well that was easy. I picked up the ancient screw and stuffed it in my magic Ipad. The rest of the trial was fairly straight forward, the new magic rune had to be used to move metal things to where they needed to be. I also found a chest with an extra bow in it, which of course got stuffed in my magic Ipad. If I could put in my magic Ipad then it was going in there!

When I reached the end, there was a mummified old man in a forcefield. The whole set up looked like an altar. The old man looked as if he was meditating. It reminded me of a story I had once heard about Tibiant monks that would only eat tree sap and basically mummify themselves to death. Gross and creepy. ‘Just what was this ‘treasure’ that the crazy old man wanted? Was I raiding a tomb?’

Sighing, I resigned myself to whatever this was and touched the big old eye symbol on the barrier. The barrier splintered apart and the creepy old raisin monk began to speak. Well, it's much more like telepathy since it did not physically speak to me…

“You have proven you have the true resolve of a Hero. I am Oman Au, the creator of this trial. I am a humble monk blessed with the sight of the Goddess Hylia and dedicated to helping those who seek to defeat Ganon. With your arrival, my duty is complete. In the name of the Goddess Hylia, allow me to bestow this gift upon you. ” With that, an orb flew out of the raisin monk Aman Ou and into my chest.

“May the Goddess smile upon you.” Then it just dissolved into light.

‘What the fuck was that I did NOT sign up for a Hero quest the last time I checked! And how was I supposed to give the old man the ‘treasure’ if it magically was absorbed by my body….’

Being very disgruntled and confused, I made my way back out of the trial. Of course the old man is there waiting, “It seems you managed to get your hands on a Spirit orb. Well done!” He said with a chuckle.    
I made a ‘gimme’ hand motion and pointed at the glider. 

“I encourage you to slow down for a moment my young friend. The appearance of that tower and the awakening of the shrine… It is all connected to that Sheikah Slate on your hip.” 

I glared at him. He was not my friend by any stretch of the imagination. Plus, it was already pretty clear that the magic Ipad was key to all this. I made the ‘gimme’ hand motion and pointed at the glider again. He started talking about some race called the Sheikah and that they had vanished long ago. Then he said there were more shrines on the plateau and he wanted the ‘treasure’ from them as well! I seethed, that had not been the deal.

“Well, I don’t remember that being the deal. I said I wanted all 4 treasures. I’m sure it shouldn’t be a problem for a young thing like you~” He said with a chuckle.   
I shivered, this man really gave me the creeps. 

“I am a nice old man, so I will give you some tips. If you go to the top of the tower, you should be able to see them and be able to mark them on your map.” He said pointing back at the tower with his staff. “You can use your Sheikah slate to teleport up there with your map~” Then he just walked away.

That left me standing by the now blue shrine, dumb founded as I watched the old man meyander away he went out of sight over a rise. My fists clenched, ‘curse this ‘goddess’ Hylia as she seemed to be the reason for all of this.’


	3. The Old Creep and another Raisin Monk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The old man gets creepier and another shrine is conquered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to LordofTheFelines and Rayen_King for beta reading this!

It had turned night by time I had gotten done with the shrine and the old man. After dealing with the crazy old man for the 3rd time that day, all I wanted to do was sleep. He could wait for his goddess damned ‘treasure’. With goblin unicorns, googly eyed living sacks of jelly, and Hylia knows what else in this area, I decided it was wise to just go back into the shrine to sleep.

The shrine’s interior carried a chill and the stone floor was uncomfortable, but it was safer than outside. My alternative would have been to go back to where I woke up, but that was a bit of a walk. To help combat the chilly air, I used the threadbare pants from where I woke up as sleeves and tucked the remains of the matching shirt in to cover my chest and back. It probably looked silly, but atleast I was protected from the chilly air. 

I sat down in a corner with my back against the wall. I yawned. ‘Today was flipping crazy….’ I thought as I layed down to sleep.

The next morning, I groaned as I sat up from the hard floor I had been sleeping on. Checking my magic Ipad, it didn’t say what time it was, but I doubted there would be much more sleep for me. Getting up, I took off my makeshift shirt and put the part back in my Ipad. Then, I made my way back to the surface. When I got up there were two skeletal versions of the gobbie-corns that popped up out of the ground startling me. Then they burst in the smoke as the rising sun hit them. ‘Okay then…’ I pulled out my sword just to be safe.

A gurgling sound alerted me to the empty pit of my stomach. I checked to see what I had in the way of food, 3 baked apples and a questionable piece of cooked meat I picked up from a pig unicorn goblin camp… “Baked apples it is.” 

Pulling one out, I shoved it into my mouth as I went to pick the drops from the sun defeated skeletal gobbie-corns. Ineeded to procure a better stock of food, as what I had wouldn’t last long. A place to cook at would be good…. I looked over to the forest, that would be a good place to start. ‘Food before treasure.’ 

A splash drew my attention to the pond next to the shrine. There were several fish in the pond and some metal objects at the bottom. So far chests had ment goodies, and the chests here looked metal so… With the use of the Magnet rune I was able to lift the treasure chests up, in the process I accidentally killed one of the fish. Pulling up the long metal piece that was also down there, I used it to kill another fish. 

‘Meat! Meat Meat!~’ I mentally sang as I shoved the two fishes in the Ipad. 

The chests held an opal and some amber, those of course when into the Ipad. Then there were some battered looking metal crates that looked like they would break if I dropped them from high enough. Dropping one of the crates from a good twenty to thirty feet up yielded that result, much to my delight. There were baked apples, some roasted fish, and more arrows in the wreckage from the crates.

A little ways away I noticed two stone looking chests in the middle of a tar lake. There was no easy way to reach them without something to make a ramp….I looked at the long metal shutter. ‘Oh, that would do.’

Dragging the long metal shutter over then with the use of my magic Ipad, I made a precarious ramp to the chests. While I was maneuvering it, I noticed that something under the tar was lit up by the magnet rune. I left that until after I got the chest’s contents, which turned out to be a few fire and ice arrows. ‘That is cool!’ I thought as I carefully made my way over the tar pit back to land. 

The thing I had seen light up under the tar appeared to be attached to a tree stump with a hole in it. I used my magic Ipad and put the metal ball in the hole.

“Yehehe! You found me! Wow you can see me?! My friends are hiding in many little places, see if you can find us!” A little green leaf face said as it popped into existence above me, it just about gave me a hard attack. 

“We will give you these if you find us!” The thing yeeted something at my head hitting me on the forehead.

I whine rubbing at the sore spot on my head as I lean down to pick up the...seed? “Give them to Hestu if you find them!” It then poofed out of existence again.

‘What the hell is up with the creatures of this world?’ I put the seed away, it was a Korok seed according to my Ipad.

Shaking my head, I went into the forest. It was time to forage for food and maybe hunt some. The rest of the day was spent picking mushrooms and herbs, climbing trees for nuts and eggs, failing to kill that damn boar, and avoiding the unicorn goblin camps on the far side of the forest. I also found a few more of those leaf faced demons that yeet seeds at you. As the sun began to get low in the sky, I found a small camp with a cook pot. Of which I made good use of, cooking up most everything I could. I was so focused on cooking I didn’t notice the old man come over and settle himself against a nearby tree. 

“Well, fancy seeing you here young thing~” 

It startled me so bad I almost burnt my hand in the pot. I whirled around to face him. 

“What are you cooking? It smells good, can I have some? Or can I have some of you~” He laughed as if he had just made the greatest joke in the world.

‘Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.’ I kept repeating in my head as I pulled out my Ipad, then the map and jabbed my finger onto the tower’s icon and teleported the fuck out of there. And when I got up there the fucker was right beside me. 

“Ahoho~ so you finally decided to join me up here! Evening is a good time to spot the shrines, the orange stands out well against the night. I want my treasure young thing~”

I gulped, ‘Guess I should get on those shrines.’

Staying as far away from the old creep as I could, he instructed me in how to pin the locations on my Ipad’s map.    
“I will see you soon, young thing~. Don’t take too long or I might ask for something more than treasure,” he said and then jumped off the tower with his paraglider. 

I hugged my arms tight around me as I shivered from both the cold wind on my bare chest and the creepy old man’s warning. It was already night but I had to get to at least one shrine tonight. I didn’t want to know what he might ask for if I took too long. 

I teleported down to the first shrine and began to make my way along the ruined wall at the edge of the plateau, heading to the nearest shrine. It took me a good portion of the night to get there. I had to fight more of the skeletal gobicorns and also some eyeball bats. Some of the skeletal gobicorns dropped their arms….and the arms still wriggled...I did not touch those. Other than the nasties, it was really a rather peaceful night. After defeating the last pair of skeletal goblin unicorns, I activated the shrine. Time to get done with shrine number two.

The first room in this shrine had a similar set up to the first one. Knowing the drill by this point, I set my magic ipad into the pedestal and waited as it began to distill the magic Koolaid. I noticed this time the drop was coming from an eye, the drop creating the tear that went with the eye symbol. 

The rune this time was a bomb rune, it gave me two types of bombs. I started giggling like a mad man. ‘I will just use this to scare off the old man if he gets too creepy again!’

The shrine was pretty straight forward, use the bombs to blow stuff out of your way! At the end there was another monk inside a sealed barrier, I walked up touched the big old eye and tear symbol on the barrier. The barrier shattered and the old raisin monk spoke.

“ _ Your resourcefulness shows the traits of a hero, in the name of the Goddess Hylia. I bestow upon you this spirit orb. _ ”

The gel ball appeared out of him and then vanished into my chest, ‘if this is the treasure the old man wants, how am I going to give it to him?’

“ _ May the goddess smile upon you. _ ” The raisin monk said just before he dissolved into light particles.

‘The past who knows how many years must have been very boring for those poor raisin monks...’ I thought, making my way back out of the shrine.

By the time I was out, the sun was up. I really hoped the creepy old man was not still in the woods. Now that one more shrine was done, I wanted to go after one of those boars so I had more than questionable cooked fish. Using my magic Ipad, I went back to the magnet shrine.

I crouch walked through the woods trying to be as silent as possible so the old man would not notice me and the boars would not notice me. The wind blew softly through the trees, sun filtering down through the leaves. The forest was quiet but for bird song and the breeze. Which made it much easier to follow the sounds of the boars digging for food. I knocked an arrow into my bow as I carefully made my way closer, I aimed, shot and quickly did so again. My body worked from muscle memory. ‘Just who was this Link I am now?’ I wondered as I went to retrieve the two slabs of meat the boar had become.

Stashing them in the magic IPad, I glanced over to the gobb-i-corn camp. If I cleared those out now, when I need to forage or hunt later it would be safer…. I pull out my sword and shield and make my way quietly over. The camp was in some ruins. I crept behind one of the still standing walls. There were three total, a look out and two just sitting around. The camp’s look out was up on a platform and another platform held a chest with glowing purple eyes.

‘Ooo! Goodies!’

Even though I crept behind the wall, one of the red demon unicorn pigs noticed me. We exchanged blows and I was able to poof it. The other two didn’t notice me. These creatures were truly not very bright, the horrid squeal they let out before poofing should have alerted them. I exchanged my sword for a bow and head shotted the other one that was just loafing around, knocking it out for a second. That confused the look out as I was still behind the wall. I rushed out and head shotted the lookout red demon unicorn.

I didn’t pay attention to the loafer I knocked out, that came to bite me in the butt. It threw a rock at my back which would definitely leave a bruise. I whirled around and grabbed out my sword and slashed at it. The demon red pig unicorn gave out that ungodly squeal and turned into purple smoke.

‘Damn I really feel OP…..’

I picked up the drops from the gobbiecorns and stored them away in my. Checking the time it was close it evening, I would be fighting more skeletal demon unicorns at this rate. Great...


	4. Death Toaster and Spicy Fish with a side of Creep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I make the dam old man his spicy fish and meat fry.

The sunlight had turned golden by the time I warped back to the bomb shrine. I checked my map to see which direction the second to last shrine was believing it was in the northeast. This shrine was in a ruined maze of walls and rooms, so I climbed over the northern wall of this particular room. There was a ruined robot in the area on the other side.

Jumping down off the top of the wall, a mechanical sound froze me in my tracks. I looked over at the now glowing and very much working deadly toaster. A red targeting beam lit up smack dab in the middle of my chest. I sprinted to cover on the other side of the small area, once there I leaned against the wall panting.

‘Why couldn’t that stupid toaster inactive!? I would hate to run into one that still has legs…’

Listening closely, I waited until the sounds of the death toaster quieted. Only then did I scale the wall to get out of the dead end hallway I took refuge in. After that I continued northeast along the edge of the plateau. There was a red pig unicorn camp along that path. Seeing as I had not had too hard a time with them so far, as long as I kept my wits about me. I decided to raid the small camp. There were only 3 of them anyway.

I take that back, there were only two, now zero. ‘This is almost a bit morbid.’ I thought as I shoved their drops in my magic iPad. This had already become normal to me…

There was not much in the way of loot, just some nuts, an apple, and some arrows. When I was done with that I looked toward the shining orange shrine up on the mountain. Looking at the bottom of the mountain at the woods, I noticed a rather shabby cabin! Night was falling fast by this point, so I started to quickly make my way over to the cabin. ‘Please don’t be that creepy old man! Please don’t be that creepy old man! Please don’t be that creepy old man!’ repeated over and over in my head. 

When I reached the backside of the cabin, I slowly walked around it. Upon closer inspection, it was more of a hut. Nobody was there, but there was a lit fire out front. I peered inside. There were some fruits I had not seen before. They looked kinda like peppers. I walked in and inspected one. Once it was inside my magic iPad, it said it was indeed a spicy pepper. There was also an open book beside it.

Glancing over the contents of the book, it appeared to be a diary. The writer was wanting a spicy seafood and meat dish. But forgot what kind of seafood. ‘How could they forget what kind of seafood? There is only fish on this plateau.’

A chill ran down my back when I heard footsteps outside by the fire. “Hohoho~ It is not polite to read someone's diary, young one~.” Came the old man’s voice from outside.

There was another ax in the corner of the hut. Sprinting over I grabbed it and turned around to see the old man seated by the fire outside. “Now that you read it, do you think you could help me remember what the missing ingredient for my favorite dish is? If you do, I will give you my old warm doublet. You will need it to get to that last shrine.” He said that as he held up a warm double that looked like it would have never fit him.

“Why not just give it to me?” I asked, just loud enough for him to hear me. 

“That would take the fun out of it. Plus, I want my spicy seafood and meat. But I can just not remember what seafood it is….” He smiled. “Make me my spicy seafood and meat, then you can go on your way. I am sure a bright young thing like you can figure it out.”

He waved his hand at the cooking pot fire. “Have at it~”

I creeped out of the hut, ax still in hand. I placed the fire pot between me and the old man. Pulling out the fish, meat, and spicy peppers, I tossed them in the pot. I did not look up from the pot as I let the dish shimmer and cook. The old man’s gaze drilled into the top of my skull as I was bent over the pot. I prayed to that goddess that the dish would cook faster so I could get the hell out of here.

The area was fairly quiet as night deepened, only the sounds of night time insects and the fire under the cooking pot. If it was any other time, I would have found this quite peaceful. Finally the dish was cooked and I presented it to the old man, who was still watching me intently. “Of course! Fish was the missing item! How could I have forgotten?” The old man stood up, looming over me. “How shall I thank you?~”

“Warm doublet please!” I squeaked out.

Looking around for the thing, I saw it on the log the old man had been sitting against. I darted around the cooking pot to the doublet and grabbed it. I then proceeded to run the hell away from that creep now that I had acquired what I needed for the cold.

Once I had reached the remains of that unicorn demon camp, I pulled out my magic iPad. The map on the device said that both the remaining shrines were on the mountain. Looking back towards the cabin, I could see one at the top of the cliff beyond the old man. ‘No way in hell am I going back that way, I got the winter jacket so snow it is…’ I thought as I tapped the icon for the place I woke up.

It is hard to describe the sensation of being dematerialized and then being put back together in another location. It was convenient as it was strange. The old man’s fire pit, south from the place I woke up, was still a blaze. I frowned, that was a great way to start a forest fire. Deciding to deal with the blazing fire, I jogged down the path to it. When I squatted near the fire, the flames danced in a hypnotizing way. It was rather relaxing to watch, when I finally pulled my eyes away from the fire it was morning. 

‘What the hell?!’ I had just found a strange way to pass the night.

Shaking my head, I kicked dirt onto the fire until it was put out. Now to find that shrine up in the snow. The cliff by the shrine I woke in really gave the best view, taking the lovely landscape. The only blemish I could see was the castle with the swirling mass of raspberry and grey colored smoke around it. From what the creepy old man had said, it was likely that the end of this journey was there. ‘Perhaps I will find the answers I want there? Kinda already gave up on my list.’

I flipped off the castle, even if there might be answers there, that was the last place I wanted togo. With that I turned to the cliff the shrine was built into, time for my Spider-Man climbing skills to work. Like a buff suction cup I scaled that rock face with ease. Thank goddess for this fit body.  
Using the map on my magic iIPad, the way to the next shrine was rather easy. I slipped into the strangely well fitted warm doublet. ‘The guy was huge, why does his doublet fit me so well? Eh, forget it. Any questions about him are best not asked...’

Over the hill, I built my own bridge using metal and the magic iPad up to the cliff to avoid a camp of pigicorns. On top was the next shrine, I wondered what rune would give me. There were 3 more slots in that menu. After activating the shrine and going in, I got my answer. The rune provided by the blue eye stand was ice themed. HilariousAn ice shrine on an ice mountain. This rune made ice pillars in water, useful. When I activated this rune, the world got tinted blue. The shrine was easy, other than the mini-octo-death-toaster. Another raisin monk turned into blue glowing dust that blew away in a nonexistent wind. 

The last shrine was a snowy uneventful trek to the other end of the mountain. It had an unwelcome view of the old creep’s cabin. He was chopping down trees, looked up, saw me and waved. I averted my eyes and hurried into the last shrine.


	5. King Ham Hummus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally get that dam glider. Also a dump truck of exposition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight change in format with this chapter, started to slant the thoughts so they are easier to tell apart from speaking.

This last shrine looked like some kind of ninja warrior course, with a rotation platform and big ball that could crush you.  _ ‘Just what rune will I get here, and how will it help me get to the monk mummy?’ _

I proceeded to the info pedestal with the runiaid, that looked like it was flavored blue raspberry. The kind of flavor that only exists due to food coloring.

_ ‘What kind of world am I from? _ ’ I mused as I waited for the rune to distill.

_ ‘Whatever it was, this glowing blue and orange tech is definitely not what we had.’ _

The rune finished distilling, it came up as Stasis.

‘ _ Well let’s see what this can do. _ ’ 

Activating the rune, the world took on a yellow tint. The wheel attached to the big spinning platform was glowing yellow. I aimed for that and the thing froze, stopping the platform attached to it.

‘ _ So it stops an object. Hm, useful. _ ’ 

It started to ding and pulse as soon as I froze it. Guessing that was a timer of sorts I scrambled across the platform and just in time. It made a breaking sound and started moving again. The next part, I already hated. You had to find a way past a big ass ball that could crush you. Did I have to freeze it too? I tried that and nearly got pancaked several times. It was easier to just book it after the ball had passed me and the next had yet to drop down. At the end was a chest, it had a shield in it.

‘ _ Yay! New shield, it is much nicer than the goblin unicorn crap. _ ’ 

I tossed one of those crappy shields into the void below me and claimed my prize. In the next section, one of the skeleton hands I had picked up joined the shield in the void. I found a sledge hammer and it was mine now. Turned out, I needed it to whack. If I freeze an object with Stasis I can hit and build up momentum. When the hold breaks, the object goes flying.

‘ _ Rue you rock. Taste my hammer! _ ’ I thought with glee as I wailed on the rock.

Finally I reached the old monk mummy. This being the 4th shrine so far I already knew the drill. Light cage breaks, monk ‘speaks’, the orb is absorbed, monk turns to glowing blue dust and blows away. This was the last one, now to find the old creep.

Once outside, he came to me. The old man came sailing down from high in the sky, how on earth did he get up that high?

Upon landing, he said, “Ahoho, well done young thing. You have collected all four orbs. Good job.”

I made a gimme hand motion to the glider. “Tsk tsk, have some patience, young thing. It is time for me to explain everything. Meet me in the bell tower of the Temple of Time.” 

He then faded into blue dust and blew away. “What. The. Fuck?” I said out loud. 

To say I was confused, was an understatement. ‘Just who is that old creep and why the bell tower?’

I sighed, my head hurt from trying to wrap around this new development. I should have known he was something strange from how he was able to just randomly appear without a noise. Well bell tower ho?

Consulting the iPad’s map, I found that the temple was just a short trek down the mountain. As I trekked down, I skirted a unicorn goblin camp. I should really clear out all the camps before I leave up here, someone could be hurt by them. I had some strange sense of justice and a need to poof them. Pondering that as I reached the snow line, I saw a bright light in the temple. It was not in the bell tower but on the end with the goddess statues. The light faded as I got closer. I climbed in an empty window upon reaching the temple.

Walking up to the statue, I bowed my head in prayer. “Dear Goddess of this world, please give me the guidance and help I seek.” I say softly out loud. 

Of course there was no response, I reached out the statue and touched it on an impulse. ‘ _Dear Hero, you have collected four spirit orbs. I can exchange the four of them for more stamina or more resistance to harm.’_ The statue said into my head. 

‘ _Ah, currency exchange or sorts? Um… stamina please.’_ I replied in my head. Suddenly, the four spirit orbs exploded from my chest and were absorbed by the statue. Light shone from above as a gilded green droplet object floated down, I held my hands out to catch it. When it touched my hands, it was absorbed like the orbs did in the shrines. Only this time I felt something, like I could make that extra hundred yards in a dash.

‘ _ Nice...are there more shrines? _ ’ I wondered. Bowing to the goddess statue, I felt as if I was being smiled upon.

Now for the old creep and he heard my thoughts or something. “HoO, now that you have more stamina, get your nice tight ass up here~.” I whoirled around to see him standing on the edge of the huge hole in the roof.

He made a come on motion with his hand and turned around. He was kinda glowing blue now, so I really hoped he could not touch me. I exited the large hole in the opposite side of the temple and what did ya know there was a ladder. I rubbed my arms and shivered.

‘ _ Why does the only non attacking sentient creature have to be this creep…. I need that glider to get off here though….but he makes me sooo uncomfortable… but I need that fucking glider….I will stay as far away from him as possible… _ ’ I decided to finally climb the ladder. Once on top of the very unsafe roof, I could see the glowy old creep. 

“Come on over young thing, I can’t talk to you properly from over there.” He said watching me.

I slowly balanced my way along the roof ridge until I reached the big hole in the bell tower. I stool just outside of the tower, this was a close as I wanted to get. There was a good ten feet between us.

“Come into the tower young thing, I need you to see what I am talking about.” 

Thankfully he was on the fair side of the room, so I scooted to just inside. “Good young thing, it is time to show you who I really am.”

“I just want the fucking glider.” I croaked out loudly, my voice still rough from lack of use and my dislike of it.

He continued as if he had not heard me. “I was King of Hyrule, Rhoam Bosphoramus Hyrule.” 

‘ _ Roham Boshummus? I dub him King Ham Hummus _ ’ I decided.

“I was the last king of this land, Hyrule no longer exists.” With that he glowed brightly, blinding me.

When I regained my sight the old coot in rags was gone and there was a jacked bearded old king who looked kinda like Santa. “Santa creep then?” I mused aloud. 

He didn’t seem to hear me as he continued. “I thought it best to not overwhelm you, so I took the temporary form of the old beggar. Since I didn’t know what state you were in I needed to assess you. But now for what happened a hundred years ago, that cost me my life.” He said with a tint of anger.

For the next half hour he explained the castle and what happened 100 years ago. It was a major overload on my brain, so much for not overwhelming me King Creep! I managed to boil it down enough for me to understand.

  1. There were signs of an old evil returning.
  2. They were prepped with fancy tech, princess and her hero.
  3. Evil came and took over fancy tech, princess sealed in castle and the hero almost died, and a lot of civilians did die.
  4. I was the Hero who almost died, turns out I am really like 117 or something like that.



Well that at least explains why he expected me to go to the castle. That voice I heard must have been the princess, Zelda I think her name was?

I finally burst out laughing, I was the hero to go save a princess. It was hilarious, I didn’t even know this Zelda.  _ ‘Why would I save her? Because that is what everyone would expect me too and social pressure is a bitch. But would they expect me too? It had been a hundred years already, most folks who knew us would be dead. Eh…’ _

The king cleared his throat to get my attention again. “You must save Hyrule, Zelda’s powers are weakening. You must aid her and defend Gannon or what is left of Hyrule will be destroyed. This is my last order to as your King, save Hyrule before Zelda fails again.”

_ ‘Wow, Zelda must have really been a disappointment to him. He is not only a creep but a jerk..’ _ I thought.

“Go find Impa beyond the Twin peaks. I am sure it will be simple for a fine young thing like you. It is a shame that I am but a ghost, you have truly returned to your former glory~” That was the last thing he said before fading away.

Left behind was the paraglider, I sighed.  _ ‘Finally done with the old creep and I could get off here.’ _

There was also a chest up on the tower I had not noticed before. I found a really nice bow in there. I tossed a boko bow to make room for it. After that I sat down to take stock of everything, all of the fighting left me low on food. As I had found food to be a great way to heal fast. Time to hit up the woods again before I jet out of here.

  
  



	6. Free to Glide and Cranky Beasts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally get off this goddess forsaken platform of a landmass. Also I add a party member.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey peeps! I hope you are enjoying the story so far. I am kinda just writing this as I go so if there are some inconsistencies that is why. Please do point out anything like that so I can fix it.
> 
> Enjoy!

By the time I was done taking stock of things, it was night. Which didn’t mean much since the moon here is so bright. I surveyed the area and noticed a goblin unicorn camp near the edge of the snow line. It was time to test out my new glider. I leaped off the roof and glided down.

 _‘This. Is. The. Best.’_ I thought with a grin on my face. 

The creatures were sleeping flat out on their backs. Pulling out one of my swords, I snuck up to the camp. Sadly, I am not a ninja. One of them woke up due to my attempt. It leaped up and ran for a weapon. I rushed in giving up any stealth. There were 3 of them and two had long sticks. Like the dumbass I am, I rushed in and got a pointy stick to the gut.

“Owww….” I groaned out as I blocked the other one.

Ducking another attack, I got right up on them and wailed on them with my sword. The gobbicorns finally poofed and I was left with just the first one. My general strategy is just hit the attacker with a weapon till the thing attacking me is dead. Which has worked pretty good so far, this time was no exception.

With all three defeated, I raided the tiny camp. There was some cooked meat over the fire. I rescued it from burning. The meat was tough and overcooked but I was still hurting from the jab to the gut and food was the fastest healing method.

_‘This is such a strange world…’_

I sat near the fire and stared into it all night like before.

Come morning, I checked the camp again. There were several spicy pepper bushes, which I of course cleared out. _‘Time to raid the woods for food.’_

The next few hours were spent in the woods, collecting mushrooms and nuts. I also discovered that living rocks wanting to crush you were a thing here. Thank heavens I had that sledge hammer, it made quick work of that thing. It dropped lots of shiny stuff! 

That night I set up camp at the old man’s hunting site. Since he had poofed into blue fire, I felt safe enough to use it. Using the cooking pot, I cooked up all the food I could. So so many roast mushrooms….and apples lots of apples. I didn’t know how long to journey to find this Impa lady was going to take, and being prepared was best.

I still found it amazing how much I could store in my magic ipad. I could shove a whole cooked meal in there and pull it out and an hour later and still have it piping hot!

_‘I wish I had this tech back home, it would make packed lunches so much better…..wait what even is the context of a packed lunch.’_

I spent the night puzzling over that while I watched the fire burn. Come the next morning, it was time to sail off this hellscape to the endless unknown below. I peered over the edge of the plateau. 

“Sweet, horses!” I exclaimed as I watched a herd of them graze down below. Perhaps I could tame one? It would make the journey faster if so. This body currently seemed strong enough to manage that.

Launching off the cliff, I glided down aiming to land on one of the horses. I ended up landing in the middle of them. Panicking as they started to run away, I jumped on the closet horse. It was brown with a blonde main and socks. Grappled with its mane to hold on and attempted to soothe it. Amazingly, it stopped trying to buck me off. While it was by no means happy to have me on it’s back, it did listen to my directions. Well, it _somewhat_ listened to my directions. 

There was a bit of the road down along the base of the plateau. I directed the horse along it, the ride of okay, but the horse kept testing me. About 5 times I had to redirect the thing back to the road and feed it an apple to appease it. I dubbed the horse: Cranky.

As I approached a junction in the road, I heard the sounds of fighting. Pushing Cranky into a gallop I rushed to see what was going on. Once closer I could see two travelers fighting two of those dam goblin unicorns. Leaping off the horse, I rushed into help. Plus, finally some real people!

Using the momentum from the horse, I easily poofed one of the red creatures while the two travelers finished off the other one. I was very excited to see the first, hopefully real, people since I woke up here. 

“Hel-” I started to say.

“Thanks and bye!” Said one of the two travelers as they both quickly jogged away.

I stood there stunted. _‘What. The. Fuck? Why are they in such a hurry? I just wanted to ask some questions….’_

I sighed. My questions would just have to wait. 

Grumbling I walked back over to my horse. I urged Cranky into a gallop following the marker on my map.

A short ways down the road, I came upon a monster infested set of ruins. Which the road went right through, I tried to rush through it but Cranky decided that they didn’t want to. I fought with them to get through the ruins, as night was also beginning to fall. I could hear a chittering flapping hoard flying somewhere above me. I made the mistake of looking behind me, that hoard was a hoard of eye bats. 

“AHHHHHH” I screamed, making good use of my lungs. 

Frantically looking around for shelter, the glow of an unregistered shrine met my eyes. I pushed Cranky back into a gallop and vaulted off once close enough to the shrine.

‘ _Rue this stupid horse_ ,’ I thought as I registered the shrine. Rushing into the now open shrine, I activated the elevator to get me down inside. Another night spent in the safety of a shrine, I vaguely hoped that my horse would still be there come morning. Walking the rest of the way didn’t sound fun.


	7. Noisy Shrine and People!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally have a laptop again! Now we get chapter updates again!

This new shrine was very noisy. There were giant fans creating winds that I think I could glide on. The ‘puzzle’ in this shrine was to get across the gaps using the fan generated winds. It took me like ten tries to get across to the first chest in the starting room. The rest of the shrine was easy, except for the second chest. There was no clear way of how to get back across once you were over to it. Thus, I left that chest. It was not worth the risk. I finally reached the monk mummy, got my first spirit orb since the plateau.

When I went back up to the surface, it was still night. There was a trio of Skelle-corns waiting to rip me a new one. There was a whinny of distress and I heard my horse run off. I turned back around and retreated to the shrine, I guess trying to get the chest was a good idea. It was ironically easy to get to the glide over to the chest. It contained a shiny new broadsword, I yeeted the rusty one into the void below me. Then I just pulled out my ipad and warped back up to the surface. Time to face the skelles, they were still there when I materialized in. The damn skeleton creatures scared off the horse. I made quick work of smashing their bones apart, I then ran in the direction that dumbass horse ran. 

_ ‘Lovely, just lovely…’  _ I thought as I crested the small rise as there were more monsters. I rushed over to the horse and wrestled it into the direction of the road and the bridge that was up ahead. All while the monsters were running for their weapons and trying to attack me. It was buttered chaos with a large side of panic for me. 

I pushed Cranky into a gallop and they ended up leaping over one of the gobi-corns. Which I noted wasn’t red like all the other ones I had seen so far…Anyway, I finally got out of that mess and to the other side of the bridge where there was a lean to with a fire.  _ ‘Finally I can get some rest..’  _ I thought with a sigh of relief. 

I dismounted from Cranky and sat down by the fire.  _ ‘I wonder if this race are like the elves from DND, those two I rescued earlier had pointy ears...I mean I have to stare into a fire to meditate but it is like those DND elves… but I can also sleep….anyway what is DND….’  _ I mused as I stared at the fire to pass the rest of the night away. 

Come morning, I set out along the road towards the split mountain. The whole ride was a constant fight with Cranky. Cranky just was so damn stubborn.

I could soon see a map tower, but I wanted to find people before I did any more blue koolaid tech stuff. Stopping briefly, I marked it’s location on my map so I could find it again. I so badly wanted human company. Starting off again, there was a gobi corn camp right beside the road, which Cranky decided to head right for. I wrestled them back onto the path for the uptennth time.  _ ‘Fucking horse, just stay on the damn road, how hard is that to understand!?’ _

As I rode through the narrow chasm between the two peaks, I noticed there was a shrine on the other side of the river that also flowed through the mountain. I noted it’s location on the ipad and kept on my way, as I fought with Cranky to stay on the path. As we reached the end of the ravine, I saw a really strange tent. It was a tent with a giant horse head framed and covered with what looked to be the same stuff as the tent.  _ ‘Strange, it has to be horse related.’ _

I directed Cranky over a rickety bridge and dismounted when I got close. There were quite a few people there, this brought a smile to my face.  _ ‘Finally, real life people that I can talk too!’ _

Approaching the tent, I waved to a lady sitting by a fire pit beside the large tent. 

“Hello traveler!” She said waving back, “ We don’t get too many travelers from the direction you came from. Hyrule castle and Hyrule plains are just too dangerous for most.”

I nodded in agreement and quietly added, “Lots of monsters.”

“Do you know about elixirs?” She asked, “I am Sagessa by the way.”

Shaking my head no to her first question, I replied, “My name is Link.” I sat down on an empty seat across the cooking pot from her.

“If you mix bugs or frogs with monster parts in a cooking pot, you get elixirs.” She lectured, I listened intently as she went on about all the different kinds of elixirs and the effects they have. 

“Thank you.” I said softly to her after her info dump.

I got up to go talk to the guy at the front of the tent, this place was in fact a stable of sorts. According to the guy, I could register my horse so they would take care of it while I didn’t need them. Sadly that took rupees, of which I had none. But the dude’s twin, who was standing near by, pointed down the road a short ways to a guy slowly making his way towards the tent. 

“That Beedle, he will buy stuff from you for rupees.” The guy said.

Beedle had a huge backpack that was shaped like a rhino beetle.  _ ‘Ah yes, yet another thing I know of without context.’ _

I jogged down the road to him, “Can I sell?” I asked him.

I kept my sentences short as this male voice of mine was still distressing to me, like I had inhaled the opposite of helium. 

“Yes!” Beedle said excitedly, “What do you have?”

I pulled out my magic ipad and swiped through the screens to see what I had. I retrieved a good number of gems that had been dropped by the killer rock I fought. 

“OH, shineies! Beedle love shinies, almost as much as Beedle loves beetles! Beedle will buy those for a good price.” He exclaimed.

In the end, I got about 600 rupees from him. He was quite distracted with his new shinies. I left him to that as I returned to the twins at the front of the horse tent/ stables and registered cranky. They were even kind enough to give me a saddle. 

I boarded Cranky after feeding him some apples. Cranky is in fact a boy. He very much liked the apples. I boarded Cranky as I decided I would be staying near the stables for a day or so. The inner part of the tent also had a makeshift inn. I was quite excited to finally sleep in a real bed after ruffing it for the past week.  _ ‘Has it already been a week since I woke up? I have already lost track of time it seems.’ _

Sighing, I turned to talk with Rensa. He was the twin who stood outside giving directions to travelers, while the twin Tasseren stayed inside handling the stable and inn.

“Hello again traveler! Need information about the area?” Asked Rensa, the twins were both older men with pointed beards.

I nodded.

“There are two villages farther down the road here.” He said pointing down the road in the direction opposite of where I cam from.

“You will find a fork in the road with a sign, the sigh points which way is Kakariko village and which is Hatano village. Be careful on your way to Hatano, as there are more monsters along that route,” he said.

I nodded in thanks. “Will stay for a while.” I tell him. “But thanks.”

He chuckled. “No problem young man! Stay around here also as you need!”

I turned around and finally noticed the shrine on the other side of the road. It was surrounded by spikes, but if I climbed up the cliff a ways. I could glide down from a shelf on the cliff. Doing that I was able to access and register the shrine. The puzzle inside the shrine was fairly easy, it just required the ice rune on my magic ipad. I now had two spirt orbs in my possession. 

Once back up on the surface, I wandered around the tent and the piles of supplies around it. I snagged a few arrows and some wood. Rensa had said there was plenty up for grabs. There was this guy just standing near the front when I came back to the front. He looked lost in thought. I approached him and cleared my throat to get his attention . Waving I said, “Hi, what in your thoughts?” 

“Ah, hello. I have been studying the Blood Moon. It happens once a month. It causes all the monsters to be refreshed. If they have been killed they will come back to life.” He said. “It has happened for the past 100 years since the Calamity.”

“Oh” is all I say.  _ ‘Basically all the monsters I have killed will come back to life? Goddess that sucks!’ _ I thought with a sour face.

Leaving the guy to his musings, I decided to go explore the field behind the stable tent. The sun was still high in the sky, perhaps I could find some more things to cook. Well the only things in the field were ruins, ruins and dead killer toasters. I gathered ancient parts from those dead killer toasters all afternoon, ending up with a decent amount of parts. 

Later that evening I sat by the fire going through my magic ipad. Sagessa had moved over to stare at the now blue shrine’s reflection on the pool of water it sat in, so I had the cooking fire to myself.

I sighed and put away the ipad, I had more than enough food. But I had so many mushrooms,  _ ‘I really don’t like mushrooms’ _ I mentally whined.

I got up and rented a bed for the night. As I snuggled into the covers, I sent a small prayer to Hylia wishing for a dreamless sleep.

  
  



End file.
